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Running Head: MAY PBUY 1 May Peace be Upon You A Personal Statement Teacher Comment Draft Paper Nauras Faiyazuddin Louisiana State University February 6th, 2017 Audience This paper was prepared as a draft
  Running Head: MAY PBUY  1 May Peace be Upon YouA Personal Statement Teacher Comment ra!t Paper   auras #aiya$uddin%ouisiana State Uni&ersity#ebruary ' th ( )*+, AudienceThis paper -as prepared as a dra!t !or .nglish )**+( taught by Miss /ean Coco0 1t is to be re&ised!urthermore !or the !inal dra!t to be in accordance to %SUHSC2s ursing AdmissionsCommittee2s guidelines3scoring rubric0  2 MAY PBUYMay Peace be Upon YouA Personal Statement Teacher Comment ra!t Paper Pre!ace1 chose to submit the second personal statement dra!t because the !irst one 1 did -as &ery rough and my thoughts -ere all o&er the place0 1 didn2t 4uite 5no- ho- to start it or ho- 1 should begin so it -as &ery 6umbled0 The second one 1 -rote recei&ed a higher score than the !irst one because it had more organi$ation o! thoughts and a better setup to catch the reader2s attention 7li5e paragraph +2s approach8( so 1 loo5ed !or-ard to re&ise it !urther to recei&e a better and i! not per!ect score0 1 didn2t pic5 the third personal statement !rom the dayboo5 because 1 let the 9* minutes2 !ly past me and ended up !eeling lost !or -ords and ideas li5e 1 did !or the !irst one0 #rom that 1 reali$ed that 1 really need to create a list o! ideas and transitions 1 -ant to do  be!ore going into any personal statement( as -ell as 5eeping a cool minded head and not stressing out0 The re&isions 1 made a!ter the peer re&ie- is that 1 elaborated -here my classmates as5edme too( because 1 too !elt li5e 1 needed to tal5 more on a certain section 7li5e paragraph + -here 1mention a teacher and don2t gi&e a name or a 4uic5 bio o! some sort80 1 also made sure to 5eep the reader intrigued and not bored( because one o! the re&isers !elt a little bored -hile reading it0 1 5ne- personally that it -as a &ery rough( rough( dra!t so 1 too mysel! -anted to continue to impro&e it and sa- e&en more issues to !i than the re&isers0 The !ocus part o! my paper really need some re&ision so 1 made sure to pull in the nursing aspect more since it is the reason -hy -e are applying and 1 -anted to include a more story li5e approach then a boring laundry listing  paper 7li5e !or eample paragraph 9 is the only section -here 1 mention nursing and don2t include it more80 That2s -hy the de&elopment part o! my paper impro&ed because the story li5e setup ga&e it more !lo- to my ideas0 1 didn2t 4uestion any o! the ;need to -or5 on this< re&isions( more o! the ;this is great( 5eep this(< re&isions 7li5e paragraph )2s e&idence o! my religion 1slam2s pillars8 1 4uestioned  because 1 thought personally that it -asn2t too good o! an idea or story starter but !rom there gre- to reali$e that it -as a &ery strong aspect o! my paper0 =hat 1 noticed !rom listening to the recording is that my &oice sounds a lot di!!erent on recording( almost li5e a child at times0 1 also sound a bit sha5y and apprehensi&e since 12m not used to being on recording but 1 5no- 1 can remo&e that hesitation -ith more practice0 1 can also see ho- 1 need to slo- do-n a tad bit maybe and enunciate more> as -ell as -atch ho- 1  pronounce -ords0 Be!ore 1 submitted the dra!t( 1 did ma5e !e- changes but not too many because1 -anted to see -hat you can maybe see as potential in the dra!t and i! you see the same mista5es1 do0 12d really lo&e your srcinal !eedbac5 on my dra!t so that 1 am con!ident in re&ising it !urther0 1 al-ays belie&e there2s room !or impro&ement so 12d lo&e get !eedbac5 !rom you in  particular0Three speci!ic concerns 1 ha&e about the dra!t is the organi$ation( !ocus( and de&elopment because those three are the main things 1 need to !ocus and hone on in order to ha&e a success!ul  personal statement0 #ocus because 1 !eel li5e 1 need a solid image 7!or eample it too5 me !ore&er to thin5 o! ho- to tal5 about di&ersity so that is -hy 1 started paragraph + and ) in that instance to mention my culture and !aith8 to 5eep the nursing admissions committee interested and 1 !eel li5e 1 still can2t thin5 o! one 4uic5ly in the 9* minutes gi&en0 That2s -hy 1 really need to  brainstorm be!orehand0 1 also seem to lose the !ocus throughout the passage and it doesn2t seem connected 7li5e paragraph 9 transitioning into ? or paragraph + transitioning into paragraph )80  3 MAY PBUY12m concerned about the organi$ation because my arrangement ideas are honestly all o&er the  place 7li5e -here 1 6ump into paragraph ? so 4uic5ly because 1 ran out o! time8( at least that2s -hat 1 !eel li5e mentally and my -riting re!lects that hea&ily( so 1 really need to get a grip on that0 Also( the de&elopment needs a lot o! -or5( my ideas don2t all support each other 7li5e  paragraphs +@9 could ha&e better !lo- and a more e!!ecti&e setup8 and 1 need more details and image pro&o5ing anecdotes 7besides paragraph2s + and )8 that can really carry my personal statement -ell0 1 need better e&idence( and 1 thin5 it all goes bac5 to me needing to really  brainstorm and list things 1 -ant to say0 Re!lection Paragraphs !rom Peer Re&ie- 1 gi&e it a ) !or !ocus( a ) !or organi$ation( a + !or de&elopment( and a + !or audience( a-areness( and &oice0 So altogether a '3+)0 1 ga&e it a ) !or !ocus because 1 !ollo- a clear !ocus throughout the personal statement but !alter -hen some parts don2t add up or seem unnecessary0 1 ga&e it a ) !or organi$ation because the ideas are arranged -ell but could be better -ith more -or5 and more thought!ul thin5ing -hen organi$ing it together0 1 ga&e it a + !or de&elopment  because 1 still ha&en2t used any good images or -ell thought out e&idence that can ma5e me stand out0 1 don2t tal5 about my in&ol&ements or my eperiences( so it lac5s that a lot0 %astly( 1 ga&e it a + &ersus a regular one in audience( a-areness( and &oice because it an o5ay attempt at using &oice( 1 5no- 1 can do better so that is -hy 1 scored it a  &ersus 6ust a +0 Three concerns 1 ha&e is to ha&e a uni4ue !ocus that can pi4ue the interest o! the reader( to ha&e better e&idence( and to start directly o!! -ith images0 1 personally en6oy stories that !eel li5e a mo&ie in my head so i! 1 had planned it out be!ore hand( it -ould ha&e allo-ed me to ma5e-ay !or an image pro&o5ing statement -ith a great opening and closing0 &erall( 1 6ust need to  plan ahead and be concise -ith in!ormation0 =hat do you do to 5eep things organi$ed be!ore you-rite( and ho- do you 5eep aniety at bay !rom re!lecting on your -riting Plus( ho- do you time yoursel! accordingly Also( -hat do you suggest could be good -ays to brainstorm  be!orehandMay Peace be Upon You +0;Asalam-ali5um< 7meaning ;May peace be upon you(< in Arabic80 1 held onto my breathe0 1 -as speechless0 e&er( had 1 e&er( heard another person out o! my religion greet me 4uite li5e that in the small( 4uiet to-n 1 gre- up in0 That sel!lesshigh school teacher !rom that day on( opened my eyes to the -orld o! di&ersity0 That person ended up teaching me 6ust ho- com!ortable 1 can be about my religion and culture as a proud Muslim 1ndian born American0 #rom then on( 1  personally made it one o! my goals to enlighten anyone and e&eryone about being  4 MAY PBUYdi&erse as they -ant to be( both through their mind and culture0 isco&ering my di&ersity allo-ed me to build the most enriching relationships and memorable eperiences than any other &alue a human being can possess0 )0ne o! my religion2s main pillars de!ines -hat a nurse is needed !or( to undoubtingly care !or others0 .&ery person is a brother or sister -ho -hen in need( deser&es your helping hand0 1 -anted to !ul!ill this aspect o! my heart by  becoming a nurse -ith that ideal -ho undoubtingly lo&es the people she interacts -ith and at the same time learn something ne- !rom their interaction0 =hat better opportunity to gain ne- eperiences and learn ne- -ays to thin5( than to pursue acareer in nursing A per!ect relationship -here 1 can balance my !aith and career -hile achie&ing peace -ith mysel!0 A type o! career -here it is epected !rom youto openly accept e&eryone2s di&erse thin5ing and their race or culture0 90 ursing is the per!ect plat!orm !or di&ersity0 A !ield o! -or5 -here it is necessary to uphold a good belie! system about di!!erent opinions and un!amiliar cultures0 Acareer -here 1 !eel 1 can instantly !eel -elcomed and appreciated !or being -ho 1 am0 #or the longest portion o! my li!e( 1 hid the parts o! my Muslim culture -hichmade me di!!erent0 But( no- 1 can openly be mysel!0?0Being di&erse is a part o! me and -ill continue to in!luence all aspects o! my li!e0   ursing creates that path !or me to -al5 on as does 1slam create a path !or humbleness and care !or others0 There!ore( 1 say to you( ;=ali5umsalam(< and may peace be upon you0
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